All Dressed Up And Nothing To Say

Once again, I’ll admit that I may be a little slow at times. But here’s a list of just a few things I don’t need to be told again … because I think I get it.

1. “This call may be recorded for quality control or training purposes.” Yeah. These days, I’m assuming that everything is being recorded for one reason or another.

2. “Your business is important to us.” Which is usually followed by “Please stay on the line and the next available representative will be with you.” Which makes me feel real important.

3. “Results aren’t typical.” Really? You mean to tell me that everyone who signs up won’t earn $5,000 a day? Disheartening.

4. “Professional stunt person. Do not attempt at home.” OK, let me say … if I attempt those stunts at home, I deserve to die. Just sayin.

5. “Pre-cooked weight.” I completely understand. It was a big burger in the freezer. It’s a small burger on my bun. Not your fault. Shrinkage could not have been anticipated.

6. “Side effects may include vomiting, diarrhea … “ OK, too much information. I’d rather be surprised.

7. “Leave a message after the tone.” Let’s all agree that we’ll count on there being a tone to indicate when we should leave a message. You only need to tell us if your system differs from this standard.

8. “The views expressed in the interviews and commentaries are solely those of the individuals providing them and do not reflect the opinions of Twentieth Century Fox Corporation, its parent, affiliate or subsidiary companies.” Commentaries? Expressing personal opinions? Intriguing concept.

9. “This show was filmed in front of a live studio audience.” Better than a dead one.

10. “Looking ahead to the seven-day forecast … ” Which actually means: “We’re not sure what the weather will be tomorrow, but let’s pretend to know what it will be next week.” Just don’t make any plans based on it.

That’s all I have to share right now. But please be sure to send your comments my way. You can rest assured “they’ll be answered in the order received.” Or not. How would you ever know?

I guess I’m just a very simple person. But there are some things that I just don’t quite understand. For instance …

1. Why is it nearly impossible to find a phone number on ATT.com?

2. I called a company yesterday. The recording told me to access their website for more information. Or, I could press “1″ for a customer service representative. I pressed “1″ and a message came on that told me to access their website for more information. Or I could wait on the phone for a customer service representative. Which is why I pressed “1″ in the first place. So why did they tell me about their website? Again?

3. Why does every Internet provider tell you that you can find out more about why you can’t get online by going online?

4. My ATM knows my name. My ATM can tell me my account balances. My ATM can transfer my money, dispense my money, deposit my money. But it can’t remember whether I speak English or Spanish. Por que?

5. Why are important news stories that are “critical to my life and those that I love” continued later tonight on the 11:00 news? If it’s so critical, couldn’t it affect me or the people I care about within the next four hours? Or do they just delight in making me paranoid?

6. Speaking of news, I read a story the other day on CNN.com. It was six sentences long. Then, I looked at the top of the page. The “Story Highlights” section was four sentences long. Four of the six sentences that were in the story. Are other people so busy that they’re trying to save the time it takes to read two additional sentences? Or are those two extra sentences so insignificant that they shouldn’t have been included in the first place?

7. When is someone going to design a turn signal that indicates a “U-Turn”?

8. Are there people who really believe that Daylight Savings Time gives you an extra hour of sunlight? Really??

9. How in the world does Jay Leno beat David Letterman in the ratings?

10. What is the meaning of life?

That’s just the tip of the iceberg of the things that I don’t quite understand. BUT, writing this posting DID help me better understand one thing. Blogging allows one to channel his inner Andy Rooney. And that can’t be a bad thing? Or can it?

In a recent article heralding the release of Twin Peaks on DVD, my bible (Entertainment Weekly) began with these words:

“She’s dead … wrapped in plastic …”

With these creepy words – intoned by the late Jack Nance – …

WAIT! Jack Nance was dead? I don’t remember it quite that way; but I’ll go back and watch Twin Peaks and see if, in fact, a dead actor intoned those words. My guess is, however, that Jack Nance was very much alive when he uttered that immortal phrase – and EW chose to succumb to something that definitely peeves my pet.

Today, in the media (especially the entertainment media), it’s become commonplace to indicate someone’s present status when referring to their past works. Who were the stars of Star Trek? William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy and the late DeForest Kelley as Dr. McCoy (perhaps he needed a new doctor). Who wrote The Executioner’s Song? The late Norman Mailer (I hope he wasn’t the one who was executed). Who was elected Indiana’s Governor in 1996? The late Frank O’Bannon (of course this is ridiculous … I mean, who could lose an election to a dead person – oops, sorry John Ashcroft).

The fact that someone is dead now doesn’t mean that they were always dead. Most people – when they did their work, when they left their legacy – were very much alive. And to refer to them as “late” when, in fact, they were possibly very much in the moment could lead to some mild confusion, or at least some very awkward communication.

If this trend continues, it’s very possible that soon – on a TV set near you – you’ll hear the following announcement:

Tonight on TBS, one of the classics of cinema – The Wizard of Oz – starring the late Judy Garland, the late Ray Bolger, the late Jack Haley, the late Bert Lahr, the late Margaret Hamilton, the late Billie Burke, the late Frank Morgan, and the late Toto.

I’ll have to pass that one up. Sorry, but I’m not much into zombie flicks.