All Dressed Up And Nothing To Say

Last fall, there was a major oil spill in San Francisco Bay. I found about it nearly a week after it occurred. I was shocked at how seemingly out-of-touch I was. CNN.com is my home page, for f@ck’s sake, and I at least skim it a dozen times or more each day. How was it possible that news of a major environmental disaster went completely unnoticed?

Well, just take a look at some of CNN’s top stories from today alone:

Newborn falls through toilet onto rail track

Boy George denies chaining escort to wall

Son’s spirit saved me from fire, dad says

House full of feces, filth may be leveled

CNN, elevate your game! Maybe read msnbc.com or bbc.co.uk from time to time. There’s so much important news around the world that doesn’t involve babies, pets, or white girls gone missing — why do you need to lower the bar and plumb the depths of society on a daily basis? Are the ratings really that good??

It’s a lazy Saturday evening and I’m grumpy. More than 150,000 channels on my digital cable (ok, that may be an exaggeration); yet, there’s nothing on TV that interests me. Which seems odd, since there are a number of cable networks that hold promise – but continue to veer from their promise in an attempt to appeal more to the masses.

And that’s what frustrates me!

We’ve all heard people complain about the changes to MTV over the years. Originally, it began as a music video network. But apparently, they weren’t satisfied with the size of their audience. So, they broadened their reach into so many other types of programming that, today, MTV has become EMPTY-V if you’re just looking to watch musical performances.

Well, MTV isn’t the only cable channel to let me down. Here are five other cable networks that used to comfort me in my times of need … until they strayed from their original mission.

TV LAND – A network that shows reruns of classic TV shows. What a great idea. It was spun-off from Nick-at-Nite, because people clamored for more classic television. Well, apparently, there just aren’t enough old shows. No more remain. Because now “TV Land is Movie Land” on the weekends. And I’m flipping.

CNN HEADLINE NEWS – Anyone remember when it actually ran down the national and international headlines every half hour? It was a great fall-back station – and damn addicting. But, apparently, there just isn’t enough news happening in the world to fill their news cycle. So bring on Nancy Grace and Glenn Beck. And I’m flipping.

THE WEATHER CHANNEL - This is just plain sad. I always thought The Weather Channel was all about watching current weather develop – and hearing your local forecast. And though it was repetitive, it was hypnotic. And suddenly an hour – no, two – had passed. And you were still entranced. Except, apparently, there isn’t enough exciting weather raining down on the world. And so we relive old weather patterns on Storm Stories and Epic Conditions (and miss our favorite TWC feature: Local on the 8’s). And I’m flipping.

ESPN-U – It’s all about college sports. And that’s most excellent. Except when it’s all about high school sports. Which isn’t quite the same thing. But, apparently, there aren’t enough college sports to fill a 24/7 schedule (which is a little unbelievable, but apparently true). And I’m flipping.

SCI-FI CHANNEL – Since when did “science fiction” and “horror” become synonymous? And I’m flipping.

But WHAT am I flipping to? Well, there’s always one more fall-back position that I can count on – the digital music stations. OK, it’s basically our old-fashioned MTV, without the video (but with the music). It’s old-fashioned radio, being played through a television. And, so far, it’s delivering what it promises.

Well, until they run out of music. And then, I’m flipping.